Personally, I LOVED this interview and I am going to check out her new book. Women can have not only a creative renaissance after they have a child, they can also start asking themselves WHO they were BEFORE that child came along. I have found that when I ask myself what I want, and care less about what my children are up to, I alleviate some of the stress and tediousness around the every day. If I have my eye on a larger goal for myself, that purpose / meaning / direction for my nervous energy – creates a kind of inner calm. I will also be less affected by a tantrum, take it less personally, not react as if my world was crumbling alongside of theirs. Having a project or some creative outlet to chip away at every day, gives me confidence, and I can respond much better to stress when I have a boost from doing something nice for myself. I feel a new Substack post coming on! Thank you for this wonderful and honest content!
I love these interviews for the most part, but today’s is disturbing to me. I worry that normalizing “rage” as a society creates more harm than good. I began reading this book as I can relate to these moments of anger, a feeling of not being a good mother, and losing my cool. After the first chapter, I had to stop reading this book because it was frankly too upsetting. The author describes her kid hitting his head on the ground, “maybe I pushed too hard” (MAYBE?). This loss of control in the author’s behavior should not be considered typical or okay. There is no “maybe” here, and the refusal to take responsibility for causing one’s child physical harm was upsetting. AS MOTHERS, we are responsible for our actions despite externalities that put pressure on us.
As parents, we are stewards of unique and beautiful and, yes, sometimes difficult children who look to us for safety. The long-lasting impacts of childhood trauma affect not just our children’s health but society’s health as a whole. While I appreciate this interview’s insight on creativity and motherhood, I am concerned about normalizing rage toward anyone, particularly rage towards children. If anyone feels this type of rage, please reach out to any support network you have, such as friends, partners, neighbors, other parents, therapists, and psychiatrists.
"Good therapy helps. Good friends help. Pretending that we are doing better than we are doesn't. Shame doesn't. Being heard does." - Anne Lammot
Not sure if you read this quote and not just the first chapter of her book. I have not read the book yet, I am just finding out about it now. But I will comment on how TRUE this all is.
You can be "against mom rage" like some people are against abortion...that doesn't mean that shit don't exist. No one is advocating taking your rage out on your children, but that doesn't mean we don't live in a society that doesn't give a flying fuck about mothers. We are alone and dealing with inter-generational trauma, postpartum depression, suburban isolation, competition from other women, fear, feelings of poor self-worth, not knowing a better way to raise our children other than the Authoritarian ways our parents showed us... etc etc etc. If you are a woman raising children in America - with no social support systems, or familial matriarchs to help, or the first clue about HOW HARD BEING A PARENT IS - because we simply are being SHAMED out of talking about these things - than no wonder you have rage. Rage can be useful for finally ASKING FOR WHAT WE NEED AND DESERVE - instead of taking it out on our children. Maybe we need to rage out because our partners are clueless, because we have no maternity leave, because our bosses don't understand children get sick, because it seems like the public consensus should still be children should be seen and not heard - leftover from my dad's Greatest Generation, and because in the face of ALL OF THIS our own government is wittling away women's rights in broad daylight and we don't have the capacity to fight that let alone go march on Washington because we are too fucking busy raising children. Isn't that enough to get ANGRY!?
I agree with you, Alison. I read that quote, and I began reading the book because it resonated with my feelings of anger and shame.
I want to be clear - I am not “against mom rage.” I often feel frustrated and tired. I identify with many of the personal and structural causes you list that lead to rage. I also agree with you that “rage can be useful for asking for what we need and deserve” - that rage can be used to our benefit. I like to go running when I feel rage (almost all of my PRs are from anger or anxiety). When feeling angry, my partner will play guitar very loudly, and one of my daughters made a list of “things to do when I am angry,” which includes dancing alone, writing, calling a friend, and painting. We all feel anger; I am not advocating for not feeling or speaking about rage or not addressing how difficult parenting is.
What I am against is the normalization of emotional and physical abuse. I am against not taking responsibility for rage. The oppressive structural power dynamics described by the author only continue when we direct our own rage upon our (also) powerless children.
Mom Rage is a brave book. The exhaustion and intensity of motherhood these days without a village or the kind of support we all ought to have is truly challening and it's brave of Minna to put this out there! Thanks for highlighting this book. And Minna you're super brave to weather the storm!
Personally, I LOVED this interview and I am going to check out her new book. Women can have not only a creative renaissance after they have a child, they can also start asking themselves WHO they were BEFORE that child came along. I have found that when I ask myself what I want, and care less about what my children are up to, I alleviate some of the stress and tediousness around the every day. If I have my eye on a larger goal for myself, that purpose / meaning / direction for my nervous energy – creates a kind of inner calm. I will also be less affected by a tantrum, take it less personally, not react as if my world was crumbling alongside of theirs. Having a project or some creative outlet to chip away at every day, gives me confidence, and I can respond much better to stress when I have a boost from doing something nice for myself. I feel a new Substack post coming on! Thank you for this wonderful and honest content!
I love these interviews for the most part, but today’s is disturbing to me. I worry that normalizing “rage” as a society creates more harm than good. I began reading this book as I can relate to these moments of anger, a feeling of not being a good mother, and losing my cool. After the first chapter, I had to stop reading this book because it was frankly too upsetting. The author describes her kid hitting his head on the ground, “maybe I pushed too hard” (MAYBE?). This loss of control in the author’s behavior should not be considered typical or okay. There is no “maybe” here, and the refusal to take responsibility for causing one’s child physical harm was upsetting. AS MOTHERS, we are responsible for our actions despite externalities that put pressure on us.
As parents, we are stewards of unique and beautiful and, yes, sometimes difficult children who look to us for safety. The long-lasting impacts of childhood trauma affect not just our children’s health but society’s health as a whole. While I appreciate this interview’s insight on creativity and motherhood, I am concerned about normalizing rage toward anyone, particularly rage towards children. If anyone feels this type of rage, please reach out to any support network you have, such as friends, partners, neighbors, other parents, therapists, and psychiatrists.
"Good therapy helps. Good friends help. Pretending that we are doing better than we are doesn't. Shame doesn't. Being heard does." - Anne Lammot
Not sure if you read this quote and not just the first chapter of her book. I have not read the book yet, I am just finding out about it now. But I will comment on how TRUE this all is.
You can be "against mom rage" like some people are against abortion...that doesn't mean that shit don't exist. No one is advocating taking your rage out on your children, but that doesn't mean we don't live in a society that doesn't give a flying fuck about mothers. We are alone and dealing with inter-generational trauma, postpartum depression, suburban isolation, competition from other women, fear, feelings of poor self-worth, not knowing a better way to raise our children other than the Authoritarian ways our parents showed us... etc etc etc. If you are a woman raising children in America - with no social support systems, or familial matriarchs to help, or the first clue about HOW HARD BEING A PARENT IS - because we simply are being SHAMED out of talking about these things - than no wonder you have rage. Rage can be useful for finally ASKING FOR WHAT WE NEED AND DESERVE - instead of taking it out on our children. Maybe we need to rage out because our partners are clueless, because we have no maternity leave, because our bosses don't understand children get sick, because it seems like the public consensus should still be children should be seen and not heard - leftover from my dad's Greatest Generation, and because in the face of ALL OF THIS our own government is wittling away women's rights in broad daylight and we don't have the capacity to fight that let alone go march on Washington because we are too fucking busy raising children. Isn't that enough to get ANGRY!?
I agree with you, Alison. I read that quote, and I began reading the book because it resonated with my feelings of anger and shame.
I want to be clear - I am not “against mom rage.” I often feel frustrated and tired. I identify with many of the personal and structural causes you list that lead to rage. I also agree with you that “rage can be useful for asking for what we need and deserve” - that rage can be used to our benefit. I like to go running when I feel rage (almost all of my PRs are from anger or anxiety). When feeling angry, my partner will play guitar very loudly, and one of my daughters made a list of “things to do when I am angry,” which includes dancing alone, writing, calling a friend, and painting. We all feel anger; I am not advocating for not feeling or speaking about rage or not addressing how difficult parenting is.
What I am against is the normalization of emotional and physical abuse. I am against not taking responsibility for rage. The oppressive structural power dynamics described by the author only continue when we direct our own rage upon our (also) powerless children.
Mom Rage is a brave book. The exhaustion and intensity of motherhood these days without a village or the kind of support we all ought to have is truly challening and it's brave of Minna to put this out there! Thanks for highlighting this book. And Minna you're super brave to weather the storm!