Ashley Herring Blake: On being a bear and saying no
Advice from an author and teacher
Meet our next creator, Ashely Herring Blake.
Ashley Herring Blake
Age: 42*
Kids: Two children, 13 and 12
Location: Coastal Georgia
Industry: Author, teacher
Website: Ashley Herring Blake
*Ages as of interview
Ashley, who is the author of young adult, middle grade, and adult romance novels (as well as being a teacher), wasn’t sure if she should even talk to me. She feels like she hasn’t struggled too hard to make a creative life for herself, and she wasn’t sure she’d have something to add to the conversation. Well, she was wrong! And I’m so glad she was willing to chat. Because I found it extremely informative to hear how Ashley’s life is shaped and to see how, sometimes, the stars of scheduling, level of independence of children, and egalitarian ethos of a partner can align.
Plus, she brought up a topic I’ve long been interested in: motherhood for introverts. I, for one, am an introvert. And I think we’re at a point in time when people understand what that means. When I was growing up, “introvert” was akin to a bad word. It was a quality to be ashamed of and overcome, like there was something wrong with you. But now awareness has progressed enough that people understand it simply means that some people, after being social, need to be alone in order to recharge. And there’s nothing wrong with that!
I love being social. I love going out. But I also prefer to spend the entire day by myself before going out. And if I’m around people all of the time, I basically shut down and go into a charismatic-less cruise control just to get by. And all of that is fine. But then kids happened. And what caught me off-guard was that after I had a kid, I would never be alone again. There is no quiet contemplation. There is no calming silence. There is no recharging.
Obviously this all changes as kids get older. But in those early years, it feels interminable. That was when the solo grocery store run became a vacation. The commute to work was a session at the spa. The…I can’t even think of a third example because I don’t think there were any.
Needing alone time for recharging is not unlike needing alone time to pursue creative interests. Those moments are necessary if you want to lead a full life and feel like yourself, but it can be hard to prioritize something for yourself over something for your child or family. Hence the ubiquitous mom guilt. But if we fall prey to that guilt, we end up being shells of ourselves, which is good for nobody.
Ashley is wonderfully self-aware and seems to understand what’s at stake. Read on to learn how she balances these needs to get her writing done—and with no apparent guilt.
Now, Ashley, in her words…
On the sweet teacher life (schedule-wise, not pay- or appreciation-wise):
I usually try to save full-on manuscript writing for summer, and then I write every day. The school year is kind of intense. I work on weekends if I’m actively drafting, and sometimes I’ll do some at school during my planning if I don’t have anything pressing to do for schoolwork—shh, don’t tell my boss. But I’m also pretty efficient in my teaching job. I don’t have the time to hang around and talk; I take care of things. I don’t have to take anything home with me. I don’t do any schoolwork at home. I don’t grade at home. I don’t do anything at home other than author.
On the final push to pursue writing:
What precipitated my whole really trying to write and see what happens was when my mom died in 2012—just that life is short and I really wanted to do this. It was also a way for me to avoid dealing with a lot of emotions I didn’t really know what to do with. So it was a strange time to start writing. I did have kids, but I was also kind of emotionally shut down from them anyway, and my husband was trying to scramble and do what he could, and that’s how I initially started it. And then when it took off, I learned how to balance all of it—and I went to therapy and actually dealt with the emotions. By that point we just learned how to make my writing part of our lives.
I know a lot of moms struggle to balance creativity with their mom duties, and I know that I have had some of that in the past, but Craig, my husband, is just an extremely evolved dad, and if I tell him I need this time, he gives it to me.
On being the bear:
My kids are old enough that they will leave me alone. I don’t have a dedicated office, but I have what old-timey people would call a parlor. But the kids come through all the time. And my oldest is a percussionist, so it’s constant drums in our house. He’s in a band in his middle school. He does piano and trumpet. Which is wonderful, but some days, I’m like, “Close your door!” And I put in my earphones, and I just kind of go. I will get interrupted, but they have also learned not to because I’m a complete bear. If I’m in the zone and they ask me to open a can of soup or something, I’m like, “How dare you do this?!” It’s like getting ripped out of a universe.
On sharing your art with your kids:
I started in YA. I got my agent with a YA. It hasn’t been until recently that my kids are actually reading what I’ve written. And they ask, “Are you famous?” And I’m like, “No, but more people might have heard of my name than the average person?” It’s interesting to see them navigate what I do, especially when their friends know what I do and who I am. It’s pretty cool. I can tell that they think it’s cool too, and that makes me proud. It’s neat when you have a creative outlet that your kids can consume as well. I do have my adult romance, and they’re not reading those!
On saying no:
I think for a lot of creative people, when you’re actively in that process of creating, it takes over everything. If I’m not talking, I’m probably thinking about my book. That can get really overwhelming when you’re also balancing so many other things. And now that my kids are older, they have a lot of other things that they’re doing. We have band, we have baseball, we have this and that. There are definitely times when I feel like I’m never not working. I think in those moments, I have to say, I need a second. I’m not going to go do this thing right now because I need a minute to breathe here. I think that’s something women, especially moms, don’t ask for because they don’t think they should. They think they should be doer moms and should be able to do it all. And that’s just not the case. No one can do it all.
On paying attention to yourself:
I’ve learned to not only to ask for that space but also to recognize when I need it. I’m a total introvert, a total homebody. I rejuvenate by being by myself. And as a teacher and a mom, that’s not always easy.
As creatives, you can’t output if you don’t input. If you don’t put anything into your heart, brain, soul, whatever you call it, then how are you going to put something out that’s beautiful and meaningful, or entertaining, or funny, or whatever you intend it to be. You can’t. So you have to ask for that space. And you have to say no.
great